| Warning: Most jokes contents are green / nasty words. NO OFFENSE! Suggest 18 years old and above. Viewers discretion advice. Be Happy and Tawa naman! |
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01. HUSBAND: "After I get up in the morning and shave. I feel ten years younger".
WIFE: Is that so. " Why don't you try shaving before you go to bed?"
02. English is a crazy Language: There's no apple in pineapple, no egg in eggplant.
It should be teethbrush, not toothbrush and if vegetarians eat veggies,
What is Humanitarian?
03. Makit Chinese lang palati kidnap? Kasi Pak Pinoy 3 gives. Pak Bombay 5 / 6. Pag
Amelikano Cledit Cald. pero Pak Chinese C.O.D. wala pa issue lesibo bigay pa legalo
04. Espiritista: "Di ba ang hiling mo eh, kulamin ko ang misis mo na maging baboy sa sex
"O, epektib ba?" MR: "Ok sana, kaso naging 12 ang dede niya! nakakapagod!"
05. There was this Japanese Girl who is very pretty and sexy, but nobody wanted to
court her Once they knew her name. Her name....FUKIKO MIKUTO!
06. A girl looked at a man's tattoo: NIKE on his arm, PUMA on his legs, she when see
saw AIDS on his "???"! "Relax," he said! if it erects, it reads ADIDAS.
07. Dating si Ngo Ngo sa bahay at tinakip ang mata ni MRS niya. NGO NGO: "Nges hu?
MRS, "Nges hu, Nges hu ka pa, eh ikaw lang naman ang Ngo Ngo dito.
08. A boy goes 2 see a cabaret, his mother gets angry and asks: Did u see anything
there which was not 2 b seen by u? yes ma, I saw papa there!
09. Two illegal loggers have been identified. They are Rico Puno and Victor Wood.
10. Alam mo ba ung 2 loggers na sila RICO n VICTOR tinuturo nila nn ang
pinakamaste mind daw si Dong Puno.
11. D person u see in d mirror early in d morning, is exactly who GOD sees &
who God Love. no jewelry, no status, No title! Just u & ur good big heart.
12. Nais ko man, lechon ay padala, hamon ang kasama; iyong alta presyon
aking inanalala, kaya text na lang, sincere na zero calories pa. Merry Christmas.
13. Ang baby daw eh galing s STORK na malaking ibon.
NANAY: ewan ko, anak, sa titser mo.
Basta ikaw galing ka sa maliit na bird kahit tanong mo pa sa tatay mo.
14. Ina: Baby. bakit masyado kang ginabi?
Anak: Mommy naman! Mga seminarista naman ang kasama ko, ah!
Ina: Hoy, hoy, hoy, Baka nakalimutan mo, ang Daddy mo ay pari.
15. Newsman: Mrs, anong secret ninyo? sexy pa rin kayo kahit maraming kids?
MRS: Iced tea & honey sa umaga, green tea & honey sa tanghali
at siyempre tea-tea and honey sa gabi.
16. Inay, sinilip ng classmate ko ang yung panty ko.
Ina: bastos yun ah! anong ginawa mo?
Anak: Inalis at tinago ko na lang yung panty ko para di makita
17. Nagbabagang Balita:
01 Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!
02 Labandera nagkamali, sinabon!
03 Capt Hook dumaan sa Quiapo, pinirata!
04 Tahanang walang hagdan, inakyat!
05 Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!
06 Bagong tuli nagyabang, lumaki ang ulo!
07 Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ng paningin!
08 Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!
09 Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng pasahero namatay... sabi ng survivors!
10 Kaso isinampa ng basurero, ibinasura!
11 Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng mga bingi nag noise barrage!
12 Tubero, nagkatulo!
13 Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo, inaalam pa kung buhay!
14 Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw paniwalaan!
15 Misis ng Photographer, nakunan!
16 Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!
17 Tindero ng plastic, supot!
18 Tindera ng mais, nagpatawa, korni!
19 Lalaki kumain ng boneless bangus, natinik!
20 Janitor sumali sa basketball, nilampaso!
21 Dahil lagi raw tulog, guwardiya binantayan!
18 Mga dapat gawin kapag sa puwit natuka ng Cobra sa golf course:
1. Dahan dahan maupo sa sulok
2. Hubarin ang pantalon
3. Mag xxxxxxxxxx yan na lang ang huling kaligayahan.
19. Why Vegetarian women not scream during orxxxxx? They refuse to admit
that a piece of meat gives them pleasure. he! he! he!
20. MISS WORLD QUESTIONS:
Question: Ms USA, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Mis America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Becasue it stands every time it sees a woman................
( Applause! Applause! )
Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own
Bullfight or Toro ( Bull )
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.........
( Applause! Applause! )
Question: Ms Philippines, how can you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organ in our country are
like gossips or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippnes: Because it passes from mouth to mouth...........
( Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause! )
Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organ in Iran are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door........
( Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause! )
Question: Ms India, how can you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organ in India are like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night........
( Applause! Applause! Applause! )
Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that male organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft........
( Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )
Question: Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: well, I can say that male organ in
Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes
before the show is over. ( Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! )
21. ERAP: Nag e-exercise after operation. 1234 Amen. 5678 Amen.
8675 Amen. 4321 Amen.
JINGGOY: Bakit me pa amen-amen pa.
ERAP: sabi ng Doctor ko EXERCISE RELIGIOUSLY.
22. Instead of roses & chocolates. some Chinese give siomai & hopia with note attached.
'jusT want to simply sio-mai love 4 u. Hopia like it. Reply: - tikoy very much.
23. Wats d difference between stress, tension and panic?
A stress is wen ur wife is pregnant.
Tension wen ur girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is wen both of them r pregnant.
24. Q: Anong tawag sa mestisang Chinese & Pinoy?
A: Chinoy. Q: Anong tawag sa mestisang Chinese at Bombay?
A: e di Chibay.
25. BF: Pwe! Sabi mo virgin ka pa! Bakit may gatas pa ang susx mo?
GF: Di naman susx ang yung sinopxxx mo... PIGSA ko yun! nasa tabi ng susx ko
26. Because of the economic crisis. dapat tipid na. Instead of giving women
flowers dis coming Valentines. Eat their flower na lang ma appreciate pa nila lalo.
27. English Class Teacher: bawal ang mag Tagalog.
Pedro: Mam, may I go out pls.
Teacher: why?
Pedro: b'coz FATHER, MOTHER, ME!
Teacher: what? Pedro: (pawisan) TATA INA AKO.
28. If Adam & Eve were Chinese. We would still be in paradise -
because they would ignore the apple and eaten the snake.
29. Kong Hei Fat Choi! may you have d wisdom of confucious,
d leadership of Mao Tse Tung, the vision of Chou En Lai, d wit of
Den Xiao Peng and d penis of Yao Ming
30. As proposed by GMA, sex will now be taxed.
Upon penetration VAT - Vaginal Access Tax,
upon withdrawal, Exit tax. Thoses who don't have sex life, Idle as set tax.
31. Intsik: "Magkano punta Ongpin?
Kutsero: Ikaw lang isa?
Intsik: Makit, ikaw hindi sama?
32. Host: what "N" (narra) is the national tree of the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in a strong sounding voice) NIYOG!!!
33. Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puede rin na ang simula ay letter "L" (Luneta)
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hinda pa rin. Paa madali, "R.P." ang initials ng modern name nite (Rizal Park)
Contestant: Rear Part? (susme! likod pa rin yun!)
34. Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, ma arawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beer house!
35. Host: Anong "L" (lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na sumasagip sa
Iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng sabon and pangalan ng ito.
Contestant: Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot mo.
Contestant: Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang kanyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!
36. Host: Anong "S" (salbabida) ang ginagamit na flotation device sa dagat
upang hindi ka malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake
Contestant: Siyoke
37. Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi, Binebenta ito sa kalye
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A"
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at dadagdagan ko pa!
Anong pangalan ng bulaklak nagsisimula sa "S",
nagtatapos sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat ns singer?
Contestant: Si... Sharon Cuneta!
38. A 90 yr old starts making luv 2 his 85 yr old wife. He started sucking the breast.
after 10 sucks he died. Autopsy report: cause of death: expired milk.
39. Host: What "K" ( kalabaw ) is the national animal of the Philippines?
Contestant: Kuto?
Host: Hindi. Clue, it tills the land.
Contestant: Kutong Lupa!
( Bweset ! )
40. Host: Sino ang kauna-uanhang Chess Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?
Contestant: Carole King ?
Host: Hindi, mas mataba sa king.
Contestant: AL QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyedoniya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MIDNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa knight.
Contestant: Jery PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na. nabanggit mo na lahat ng piyesa sa Chess.
Yung kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia la TORRE!
41. Host: sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa 500 Peso bill?
Clue may intials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino).
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nag e-end sa "Y"
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA AUNOR???!!!
==============================================================
PANG PAALIS NG ANTOK >
Tatay: 'Nak, bili mo ko ng soft drink.
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Tatay: Coke.
Anak: Diet o regular? >
Tatay: Regular. >
Anak: Bote o can? >
Tatay: Bote >
Anak: 8 oz o litro? >
Tatay: Leche! Tubig na lang. >
Anak: Mineral, distilled o purified?
=============================================================
Anong Bansa ang walang pangit? UGANDA >
Anong Bansa ang di sikat? LAOS>
Anong Bansa ang tinutukso? CUBA >
Anong Bansa ang madulas? GREECE >
Anong Bansa ang hindi sa iyo? KENYA >
Anong Bansa ang nakagapos? ITALY >
Anong Bansa ang maraming bacteria? GERM-ANY >
Anong Bansa ang nagmamadali? RUSH-SIA > ===============================================================
Learn New Japanese Words: >
1) Is this your underwear? Jakimoto? >
2) Speechless - Wasabe >
3) What are your thoughts? Kuro-kuro mo? >
4) Are you regular customer? Sukikaba?
===============================================================
Wife: Gusto kong magpadagdag ng boobs..
Husband: Ha! Di ba masagwa yon... magiging tatlo!
==========================================================
Mga lasa ng gatas ng babae? >
1. Dalagita? Fresh milk
2. Dalaga? Pasteur ized
3. Bagong Kasal? Skimmed
4. Matagal nang kasal? Yogurt >
5. Matandang dalaga? Taho
6. Lola? Tokwa
==========================================================
Nag-aaway ang dalawang tanga
Kulas: Ano ba ang gusto mo, away o gulo?
Tomas: Away na lang para walang gulo.
==========================================================
T: Ano sa inggles ang Maswerte akong lalaki?
S: Lucky Me with Egg.
T: Eh iyong matronang barat?
S: Payless instant Mommy? =============================================================
Totoy: Inay, ano po ba iyong sex?
Inay: Ah,eh! iyan ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa para magkaanak.
Totoy: Ang haba naman noon, 'nay! Paano ko isusulat iyan sa bio-data.
=============================================================
Sa isang ospital pagkatapos ng operasyon
Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa ulo?
Halos kita na ang utak ko.>
Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded naman
==============================================================
Inday: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa sementeryo ginahasa. \
Sir: Paano mo nalaman?
Inday: Kasi nakalagay sa lapida nila RIP!
===============================================================
Sa airport canteen, umorder ang isang Amerikano.
Kano: Miss, will you please give me one few two.
Tindera: What sir?
Kano: I said one few two.
Tindera: Oh, you want puto!
Kano: Yeah, that's right. Is that how you pronounce it ?
Tindera: (Sa loob-loob, tanga!, puto lang, pino-few two, few two pa, gagantihan ko nga)
Tindera: Okey sir, What color do you want? Few la or few ti?
=========================================
Ano ang mas maraming sakay, jeepney or ambulansya?
S: Siyempre ambulansiya. Kasi ang jeepney, 10-10 lang bawat side. Samantalang sa
ambulansiya, madalas na 50-50 ang sakay
=================================================================
Hindi raw bingi.
Kustomer: (sumisigaw) PABILI NG HOPE!! >
Tindero: Huwag kang sumigaw! Hindi ako bingi! Ilang Coke ba ang bibilhin mo?
================================================================
Kumpisalan! >
Tulume: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako. >
Pari: Ano ang kasalanan mo? >
Tulume: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok. >
Pari: Magdasal ka ng limang Ama Namin. >
Tulume: Father, walong Ama Namin na po ang dadasalin ko. Babalikan ko
pa iyong naiwang tatlong manok
================================================================
The Diference Between Mayaman and Mahirap
Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy".
Kung mahirap ka,ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o :bakokang"
Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress".
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo";
Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac".
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"
Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric";
Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad"
Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom".
Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba";
Kung ang senorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumaggi". ay "morena" o "kayumanggi".
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga.
Kung nasa high society ka, you are called "slender" o "balingkinitan";
Kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "ting-ting".
Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite"
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar"
Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump";
Kapag mahirap ka at ikaw ay "mataba", "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba"'
pagminamalas ka, "baboy"
Kung well-off ka, at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang sa iyo ay "game";
Kung mahirap ka ikaw ay "pakawala".
Kung mayamang alembong ka ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated",
Pero kung isa kang dukha ang tawag sa iyo "malandi"
Kung may pera ka ang tawag sa iyo "single parent";
Pero kung wala kang trabaho ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada".
Health conscious ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain;
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na kumakain ng ganito.
Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro..
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro,
ang tawag sa kanila ay "walang hiya".
Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood",
Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang".
Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner";
Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gunggong".
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says,
"masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking",
Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house,
your host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampas-lupa" o "masiba".
Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa PC mo, "okay lang"
Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na empleado lamang, ikaw ay "nagbubulakbol".
Kaya forward mo na agad ito dahil nasa likod mo ang boss mo.
===================================================================
Long and Pink
"Today in class", said Mrs. Johnson the kindergarten teacher. "Were going to play
a guessing game".
"Ok here we go, its a fruit, its yellow, and tastes good". Little Susie raised her hand.
"Its a lemon!". "No I'm sorry its a banana but I'm glad to see your thinking."
"Next one, its red, a fruit, grows on trees." "Its a ball." "No its an apple but I'm glad
to see your thinking."
Little Johnny stands up and says "I got one, ok it's long and hard, has a pink tip and
is in my pocket."
"JOHNNY!" "That's inappropriate!" "No, it's a pencil but I'm glad to see your thinking."
================================================================
My yearly exam
-I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.
-How much do you weigh?" she asks.
-"115" I say.
-The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.
-The nurse asks, "Your height?" -"5 foot 8," I say.
-The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".
-She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
-"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and skinny!
-Now I'm short and fat!"
-They put me on prozac.
========================================================
GRO or CG
A Lolo went to a karaoke bar, was wasked: Sir, ano gusto nyo GRO or CG??
Lolo: GRO alam ko, pero anong CG, yan ba yung Call Girl?
Reply: Hindi sir. Care Giver po.
=========================================================
At a funeral...
Erap: Tara, Jinggoy umalis na tayo.
Jinggoy: Eh, kararating pa lang natin ah!
Erap: Naku! mahirap ng maiwan. Basahin mo: "Remains will be cremated".
=========================================================
Wife: Sweetheart, bili mo naman ako ng bra.
Husband: Hon, wag ka ng mag bra, maliit naman ang dede mo eh.
Wife: (taas kilay) Eh bakit ikaw naka brief e kaliit naman ng txtx mo.
=========================================================
2 friends talking...Jeff: wow, pare! nood ako sine kanina, ubos P1000 ko.
Rene: ha! bakit??
Jeff: bili ako ng bili ng tiket, pinupunit nung babae sa pinto. Addict ata.
========================================================
DNA is a nucleic acid that is localized in cell nuclei and consists of two
long chains of nucleotides twisted together into a double helix and joined
by hydrogen bonds between complementary bases adenine and thymine or
cytosine and guanine; it carries the cell's genetic information and
hereditary characteristics via the sequence of its nucleotides. Thus, people
are identified by their unique DNAs, such as:
Prostitute: DNAvirgin
Old Maid: DNAgamit
Bachelor: DNAkasal
Arab: DNAahit
Water Conservationist: DNAliligo
Bin Laden: DNAhanap at DNAhuli
Gloria Macapagal Arroyo: DNAaamin.
Town Fiesta: DNAyo
Loser: DNAya
Uncircumcised: DNAtuli
Pandak: DNAtumangkad
Not Good Looking: DNAbale
DNAkayo mabiro...
=========================================================
The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there
is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the
letter 'A'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can't call on
him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that
begins with the letter 'B'?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for
fear that his word will be "********." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has
a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to
burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You
know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'!
Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little
Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"
========================================================
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about
God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time,
he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.
Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and
the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then,according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor
has no brain!"
After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug
200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:"US scientists
have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that
their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians". One week later, a Pilipino newspaper reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Pilipino scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors
were already using wireless technology".
=========================================================
Sensitive Child
1st day in school...
Mom to teacher - Very sensitive po ang anak ko. Kung kailangan nyo po
parusahan, Sampalin nyo na lang po ang katabi nya. matatakot na 'yan!
===============================================================
Applicants
2 girls nag-aaply ng work. 1 - matalino, 1 - bobo
Matalino: Buti ka pa natanggap. Ano ba ginawa mo?
Bobo Wala. Nung nag-fill up me ng form nilagay ko sa Sex, sure.
================================================================
3 brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu migrated to USA from China.
They decided to change their name :
Bu became Buck
Chu became Chuck.
Fu decided to go back to China .
===============================================================
Learning French
City - ce vou
Drug - sha vou
Bald - cal vou
Feathers - valahi vou
Not clear - mala vou
Good bye - va vou
Caught in the act - navo cou
Cute - a cou
===============================================================
Chalk
Amo : 'Day, ang chalk na ito para mamatay ang ipis.
Gamitin mo sa pader.
Maid : Opo, ati.
Next day ......
Nagulat ang amo, nakasulat sa pader...
"Epes mamatay kayong lahat!"
===============================================================
Katapusan
Lumindol ng malakas noon....
Nagkagulo and lahat at nag-panic.
Sumigaw ang isang lalake..
"Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"
Sumagot ang isa pang lalake..
"Tanga, a kinse pa lang."
Tawa break muna daw kayo........... ENJOY!
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Q. Why do couples hold hands during weddings?
A. It is just a formality. Like "2 boxers", they shake hands before
the fight begins. =========================================================
Love and Marriage Cycle
1-2 yrs : magkasalo sa plato
3-5 yrs : tig-isang plato
5-7 yrs : nagbabatuhan na ng plato
8-10 yrs : wala na silang plato
That is what we call PLATOnic love!==================================================================
Man : I want to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in 6 months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are very hard to find!
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What is the most impressive example of Tolerance?
Ah! Golden Wedding Anniversary!
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Teacher: Write a short story in a few words discussing
Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
Student wrote: "My God! I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"
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Bugtungan ..........
Patpat mong matigas
Labas masok sa butas,
Pag iyong idiin, giniling-giling
Kiliti and mararating.
Ano ito?...........
Cotton buds! Wag daw dumi isip, bad iyan.
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Do you know why bra makers measure cup size by "A B C D E F "?
A - almost gone
B - barely noticeable
C - comfortable
D - damn good
E - extremely big F - Fake
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Pulis: Bakit mo inihagis ang bata sa bintana?
Yaya: Sinunod ko lang po ang utos ng amo ko.
Sabi po ng amo ko, 'wala na tayong Pampers,
i- Huggies mo na lang si baby.
=================================================================
A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart. > An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the
task of hiring an individual >to >fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer
would determine who of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around
the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is >the fastest thing you know?"
Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning
that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the >fastest thing I know of." "That's very
good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked >Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it >ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye,
that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in
the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The
interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and
final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3
preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were >already giggling in their seats... "Oh,
I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad
and so I run so fast to the CR, but before I
