There is this good old barber in some city in the US.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut.
After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Filipino software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Filipino software engineer is happy and leaves!
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there:
Can you guess? Do you know the answer yet?
Come on, think like a filipino....
If you're a Filipino you'll know the answer.....

a dozen Filipinos waiting for a free haircut! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!
======================================================

                                                      Disorder in Court

 Q: Are you sexually active?
 A: No, I just lie there.

 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July 15th.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year.
 
 Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.

 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
      that morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.

 Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
      occult?
 A: We both do.
 Q: Voodoo?
 A: We do.
 Q: You do?
 A: Yes, voodoo.
 
 Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
     doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

 Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And what were you doing at that time?
 
 Q: She had three children, right?
 A: Yes.
 Q: How many were boys?
 A: None.
 Q: Were there any girls?
 
  Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
  A: By death.
  Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
 
  Q: Can you describe the individual?
  A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
  Q: Was this a male or a female?
 
  Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
        which I sent to your attorney?
  A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

  Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 
  Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  A: Oral.

  Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
  Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
  A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

  Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!
 Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for breathing?
 A: No.
 Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
         the autopsy?
 A: No.
 Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
        somewhere
==================================================================  

                          Bananas

This is interesting.   After Reading this, you'll never  look at a banana in
  the same way again.

Bananas. Containing three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose
combine with fiber, a banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial
boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a
strenuous 90 minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one
fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help
    overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions,
    making it a must to adDto our daily diet.

Depression:

According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering
     from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana.

This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts
into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make
you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood 
          glucose levels, which can affect your mood.  

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the
               blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure:

This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making
 it the perfect to beat blood pressure.  So much so, the US Food and Drug
 Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims
 for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped
through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in
a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed
fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal
bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.  

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana
milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the
help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes
and  re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer
from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood
sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.  

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected
area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful
at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found
pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and crisps.
Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more
likely to be in high-pressure jobs The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced
food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high
carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because
of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without
distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation
by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that
can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers.

In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is
born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they
contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12
they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the
body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.  

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat,
sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we
stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels.

These can  be balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine,"
eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by
as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a
wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow
side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare  it
to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times
the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins
and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods
around. So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we  say,
"A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS

Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! 
===================================================================

- Pasyente:  Dok, bingi na talaga ako. kahit utot ko di ko marinig.  Doc:  may tablet,
                    inumin mo. Pasyente:  gamot ba ito sa bingi? Doc: hindi, pampalakas
                    utot.

-  Mike Arroyo's Prayer:  GAMBLING Father who art in JUETENG, HAKOT be thy name,
   thy KICK BACK  come, thy WEALTH be done, on MALACANANG as it is in VIGAN.
======================================================================

-  Mani:  Bakit may sugat ang puwet mo? 
   Mani2: Nag sex kami ng GF ko sa beach, tinamaan ng kidlat!
   Mani: malas mo! 
   Mani2: suwerte na nga ako, kc kung napa aga SABOG ULO KO.
   
   Anak: Inay ano ba ang sex?
   Ina:  Ah eh yan ay number
   Anak:  tama nga pala. kasi sabi ni tatay sa yaya. :sex: tayo.

   Mare:  tataas na daw ang pamasahe. kailangan na tayo mag reduce.
   Fren:   eh! bakit naman mare?
   Mare:  gagawin daw por kilo ang pamasahe

   Wat wil hapen if you have a wooden car wid wooden wheels, a wooden chair
   n a wooden engine?  it wooden start.
================================================================

TRANSLATION NG MGA SONGS FROM ENGLISH TO TAGALOG:

-  Imagine - Mantakin Mo
-  Bluer Than Blue - Malapit Na Sa Hukay
-  Tonight's The Night - Patay Kang Bata Ka
-  Hey Jude - Hoy Hudas!
-  Power of Love - Buntis
-  Can't Be With You Tonight - Meron Ako Ngayon
-  Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know - Huwag Mo 'Kong Gawing Tanga
-  You Should Know By Now - Alam Mo Na Dapat Ngayon Yan, Tanga!
-  Sometimes When We Touch - Minsan Kapag Tayo'y Naghihipuan
-  Touch Me In The Morning - Hipuan Mo Ako Sa Umaga
-  Stairway To Heaven - Mula Paa Hanggang Singit
-  Got To Believe In Magic - Walang Himala
-  Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Maitim Ang Puso
-  King & Queen Of Hearts - Tong-it Na Ko Sa Jack
-  Baby One More Time - Isa Pa, Masarap Eh!
-  How Deep Is Your Love - Gaano Kalalim Yang Sayo
-  More Than A Woman - Tomboy (T-Bird)
-  Three Times a Lady - Super Bakla
-  Macho Man - Walang Ganyan Sa Opis
-  Pretty Woman - Wala Pa Ring Ganyan Sa Opis
==============================================================

Chinese  Name...
> born during the night - Andy Lim
> born blind - Kenneth Sy
> born being swindled - Lino Co
> born while cooking - Nilo Toh
> born as 10th child - Sam Po
> born while being courted -Lily Gaw
> born fat - Bob Uy
> born cannot walk - Kent Go
> born little - Kathy Ting
> born with real estate - Lot Te
> born different  - Eva Yan
> born with porridge - Lino Gaw
> born looking for someone - Allen Sia
> born while counterfeiting - Faye King
> born during Sunday - Lyn Go
> born with malice - Mali Sia
> born with picture - Lara Huan
> born with sweets - Ken Dy
> born undefined - Sam Ting
> born while taking a bath - Lily Go
> born while buying - Bill Li
> born secretly - Tina Go
> born being blamed - Vina Uy=20
> born not virgin - Malou Wang=20
> born being tied - Tina Li=20
> born being cut into pieces - Marita So=20
> born circumcised -  Tino Lee =20
> born like a watch  - Rey Lo=20
==============================================================
                                  Clever Explanation

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS: "Daddy, how was I born?"

DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

"Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male! "
=============================================================
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath.  When tarzan took off |
his clothes all the animals laugh? Tarzan asker why ?? The animal answered:
you're tail is in fornt! Bwahahahaha!
===============================================================
Girl, yumaman sa pagiging Japayuki. Nagpatayo ng mataas na building sa Japan
bilang souvinr. Pinangalan niya ng KINITA SAFUKI.
===============================================================
ENGLISH TAGALOG DICTIONARY - iba to! (updated version)
01) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
02) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
03) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
04) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
05) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
06) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
07) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
08) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
09) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, 
               eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka egg
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45) Thesis - ito ay...
================================================================
Loko: Doc, uminon ako ng Viagra kahapon hanggang ngayon matigas pa rin.
Doc: Naku! Next year pa lalambot yan.
Loko: Bakit naman??
Doc:Tingnan mo ang expiration, 2007 pa
===================================================================
Pinay at Amerikano sabay naligo ng biglang nawalan ng tubig
Pinay:  Hoy! TUBIG ! TUBIG!
Amerikano: Thanks! But its just a regular American size.
===================================================================
Apo: Lo, bakit mas mabilis pumuti ang hair sa itaas kaysa sa ibaba?
Lolo: Kasi po, sa itaas puro problema. Eh sa ibaba puro ligaya. he he he
=================================================================
They say LAUGHTER is the bast medicine. They also say that SEX is the best exercise. 
So to keep ur body HEALTHY and FIT, LAUGH while u r having SEX! Kaya mo??
==================================================================
Juan:  Pare, sinabi mo daw sa syota ko na supot pa ko ?
Ben:   Di yan totoo pare! ang sinabi ko lang, malapit ka ng tiliin.
Juan:   Ah ok,, akala ko binuko mo na ako.
==================================================================
GMA: I am planning to STOP POVERTU AND MASS STARVATION.
Erap: Alam mo Gloria, yong POVERTY madaling pigilin, pero ang mastubation, 
         Human rights violation.
======================================================================

I was sad till when I saw a man without 2 arms, shaking his shoulder & jumping with joy. 
when I asked why he's hapi.  He repllied, I am not hapi. Makati ang tixx ko! di ko makamot.
======================================================================
Mrs 1 : Mare, try using a vibrator kung wala si Pare.
Mrs 2 : I tried it na mare, and it hurts. Nabasag lahat ang teeth ko.
======================================================================
Husband:  Sa tinagal tagal ng ating pagsasama, para na kitang kapated.
Wife: sa akin, para na kitang anak... dede ka ng dede.  Buwisit ka!
======================================================================
Bobo 1: bagsak na naman ako sa test ko. Di ko kasi alam ang ibig sabihin ng EFFORT eh.
Bobo 2: bangak ka pala eh. EFFORT lang di mo alam. yon ang nilalandingan ng EFFLANE!
=====================================================================
Chinese story:  Ako suelte, deyt ako tsik sa motel, pakalabas ko. pakalabas ko, kita ko akyen
                       asawa, may kasama lalaki.  Sila pasok, ako tago, hindi ako huli.  Swelte talaga.
=====================================================================

 We all need to read this one over and over until it becomes part of who we are! 
              
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
 
1. Try everything twice. On Madams tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam)
    she said she wanted this epitaph: Tried everything twice...loved 
       It both times!
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down. (keep  this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
    whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's 
  workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you
    have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is
     with us our entire life, is ourselves.  LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes,
     music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
    If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,  to a
    foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
       I love you, my special friend.
11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second time.
       And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? 
      But do share this with someone.

Lost time can never be found.
================================================