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Laugh a Day 5
Press: Paano nyo po ba lilinisin ang gobyerno?
FPJ: Nakita nyo mga line-up ko? PURO mga TRAPO yan!
Per background check by the NBI, Fernando Poe Jr is really a
natural born pinoy. Kanyang great great grandfather ay si LaPOE LaPOE!
FPJ to intsik: Brad, sa mayo iboto mo ko ha.
INTSIK: Hini puele blad, AKO ILLEGAL PINOY DIN!
The enemy of Presidential candidate Eddie Gil uses the
slogan: "Its your choice - Heaven or Gil".
FPJ FOR PRESIDENT MOVEMENT SPOKESPERSON: Mga putang ina nila, sabihin nila american citizen si FPJ, eh hirap na ngang mag ingles yung tao!
Erap: Pare, bakit itong "Pork & Beans" na kinakain ko walang pork?
Fpj: Pare, itong "Corned Beef" din walang mais
Susan: Lord, bakit mo ginawang gwapo si Ronnie?
Lord: Paramagustuhan mo.
Susan: Eh, ba't mo siya ginawang tanga?
Lord: Paradi magustuhan ni ATE GLO, o di ba?
Question: If FPJ, GMA, Bro. Eddie, & Ping Lacson all rode in the
ill-fated Superferry, who would have been saved ?
Answer: The Republic of the Philippines!
The Man...
The King...
The Legend...
F P J
He knows no fear
He knows no danger
He knows...
MACAPIDAL-ARROYO KA ANO?
=====================================================================
ERAP: Pare, mag ingat ka kay Loren kasi political prostitute daw yan.
FPJ: Preparado ako dyan, pare. Wag ka lang maingay, dahil lagi akong may dalang condom.
=======================================================================
Know your candidates:
Bong Revilla: Anak ng nardong putik
Jinggoy: Anak ng jueteng
Ernie Maceda: Anak ni markova
Miriam: Anak ni sisa.========================================================================
Pag si FPJ ang naging Pangulo maraming pagbabago:
Pambansang Isda - sugPOE
Laro - trumPOE
Gulay - uPOE
Fruit - POEmelo
Bird - POEgo
Bayani - laPOE laPOE
==========================================================================
Who looks like twin sisters because they had the same plastic surgeon?
Sirit????
Ok, would you believe si Madam Auring and Loi Estrada.
CNN: How are you going to reduce the price of electricity in your country?
FPJ: That's obvious ! I'll just change it from 220 volts to 110 volts.
ABS News Flash!
Kris na confine sa ParanaqueMedicalCenter.
Doctor's diagnosis: Bird's Flu....dahil kinain nya eggs ni Joey.
GAME KA NA BA?
Kris: Ilang liters meron ang COKE?
FPJ: LITERS? Apat! Liter C, Liter O, Liter K at Liter E.
Wag nyo 'kong subukan! Matalino 'to! BOAT ME!
Tuta Sotto: Mahirap palang maging president si Fpj.
Angara: Bakit naman?
Tuta Sotto: Dahil artista siya, tatawaging siyang ACTING PRESIDENT
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinog na.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
FPJ's DICTIONARY:
Cardiologist - card dealer in casino;
Pathologist - duck raiser;
Radiologist - disc jockey;
Gastrologist - LPG dealer;
Autopsy - car dealer.
======================================================================
Some of us Filipinos have some Chinese blood in us. Below are some interesting Chinoy names.
****************************************************************
Born during the night - Andy Lim
Born blind - Kenneth Sy
Born being swindled - Lino Co
Born while cooking - Nilo Toh
Born as 10th child - Sam Po
Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
Born fat - Bob Uy
Born little - Kathy Ting
Born different - Eva Yan
Born with porridge - Lino Gaw
Born looking for someone - Allen Sia
Born while counterfeiting - Faye King
Born during Sunday - Lyn Go
Born with malice - Mali Sia
Born angry with someone - Ally Tan
Born with picture - Lara Huan
Born with sweets - Ken Dy
Born undefined - Sam Ting
Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
Born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
Born while buying - Bill Li
Born secretly - Tina Go
Born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
Born ugly - Kow Yan
========================================================================
HUSBAND: Dear, pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib,
approved agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang bird mo para may dagdag disability benefits.
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
===================================================================
This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio
Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel.
I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.
======================================================================
This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Ham en eggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me tays tee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....
======================================================================
Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
=======================================================================
Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
=======================================================================
Anak : Tays! Kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha! Ano ba ang ulam?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !=======================================================================
BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng " cooling place " ?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo " Hilow, hus cooling place?
========================================================================
Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan nya, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng GF mo?
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o nanay niya?
Girl 2 : yung mister niya !========================================================================
A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So the White guy says "I love liver and cheese."She says "That's not good enough" The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
======================================================================
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in
the Philippines? In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to the US!
======================================================================
Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
Eh, pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
=======================================================================
* Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
* Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
* Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want
* When you say, "I love you," mean it.
* When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye
* Be engaged at least six months before you get married
* Believe in love at first sight.
* Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don’t have dreams don't have much.
* Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
* In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
*. Don't judge people by their relatives.
* Talk slowly but think quickly.
* When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
* Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk
* Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
* When you lose, don't lose the lesson
* Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and
responsibility for all your actions.
* Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship
* When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
* Smile when picking up th! e phone. The caller will hear i your voice.* Spend some time alone.
====================================================================================
Konting Gamot sa Stress
Husband: Lagi mo palang dinadala ang picture ko sa bag mo pag pumapasok ka
sa office. Baket?
Wife: Pag may problema ko, kahit gaano kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang
picture mo.
Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal na mahal mo ko.
Wife:Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na
WALA NG PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO.
===============================================================================
Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 years old na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda ..PINATAY na lang namin.
================================================================================
WIFE: Hudas ka! lagi kang umuuwing lango sa drugs. Naaasar na tuloy ako sa mukha mo.
HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung hindi ako lango sa drugs, ako naman ang maaasar
sa mukha mo!================================================================================
Man: Doc, help me uminom ako ng baygon.
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Mali! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.
==============================================================================
Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang mga damit ko pinagkakain ng mga daga.
Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron dito pusa.================================================================================
Isang babae bumili ng asukal. Inabot ng tindera, pero sabi ng babae,
"Miss, asin itong binigay mo sa akin."
Tindera: Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang naming "Asin" para hindi langgamin.
===============================================================================
Ngongo dictionary:
CATTLE - dun nakatira ang printeta at printipe
MELT - yun ang sinusuot sa mewang
EFFORT - dun nag-la-land ang efflane '
STATUE - ikaw ba yan> >================================================================================
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng
Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!============================================================================
Maganda daw mapangasawa CANADIAN, kasi pwede mong sabihin:
Maglaba CANADIAN!
Magsaing CANADIAN!
Maglinis CANADIAN!
Magluto CANADIAN!
Ano, okay CANADIAN?
==============================================================================
Once in a while, have a taste of Filipino culture. Here are a few Pinoy laughs:
How does a pickpocket fall in love? At purse sight.
Anong tawag sa sakit ng baboy? Pig-sa.
Eh, ano ang gamot sa pigsa? EEh di oink-ment!
=================================================================================
Tsinoy Names
> > Born during the night - Andy Lim
> > Born blind - Kenneth Sy
> > Born being swindled - Lino Co
> > Born while cooking - Nilo Toh
> > Born as 10th child - Sam Po
> > Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
> > Born fat - Bob Uy
> > Born little - Kathy Ting
> > Born different - Eva Yan
> > Born with porridge - Lino Gaw
> > Born looking for someone - Allen Sia
> > Born while counterfeiting - Faye King
> > Born during Sunday - Lyn Go
> > Born with malice - Mali Sia
> > Born angry with someone - Ally Tan
> > Born with picture - Lara Huan
> > Born with sweets - Ken Dy
> > Born undefined - Sam Ting
> > Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
> > Born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
> > Born while buying - Bill Li
> > Born secretly - Tina Go
> > Born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
> > Born ugly - Kow Yan
=============================================================================
Wife: When I get mad at u, u never fight back. How do u control ur anger?
Husband: I clean d toilet bowl.
Wife: How does dat help.
Husband: I use ur toothbrush
================================================================================
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante, biglang himatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng dage?
Daga: buntis ako ikaw ang ama. dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante dinala niya ang daga sa
doctor. tuwang tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta ng ultra
sound ng biglang hinimatay ang daga ano ang ibinulong ng elepante?
Elepante: ako nga ang ama elepante anak naten.
===================================================================================
Ale: meron po akong brownish discharge, parang na infect.
Doc: gaano kadalas ka mag sex?
Ale: once a year po.
Doc: ahhm hindi yan infection, kalawang yan.
======================================================================================
Totoy: nay! alam ko na ang katotohanan.
Nanay: hs! o eto P500, wag ka lang maingay sa tatay mo.
Totoy: tay! Alam ko na ang katotohanan.
Tatay: ha1 O eto ang P1000, wag ka lang maingay sa nanay mo.
Totoy: hmm... Epektib nga ha. Eto ung hardinero. masubukan nga.
Manong: Alam ko na ang katotohanan
Hardinero: Anak. sa wakas alam mo. Halika anak yakapin mo ako.
===================================================================================
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
===============================================================================
Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang kanyang ina na nagpagamot doon.
Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahepabalik sa Pilipinas,nagtipid si
Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.
Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na nakadikit ang mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, "Ay, naku! Tingnan mo 'yan...hindi sila marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay."
Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng:
Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:
Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay sa pag-uwi riyan sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na.Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga. Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga sumusunod...
Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na karnenorte at isang dosenang spam.
Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para kay tatay.
Ang limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang asul na Jansport na backpack
na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo.
Ang iba't-ibang klase ng tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay. Para sa mga bata ito. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi natunaw. Ang pokemon stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa bunso ni ate. Gift Ko sa first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene
Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay, japanese version ng pokemon trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang tatlong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko.Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.
Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong warmer para sa mga dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party.May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni nanay.Para sa inyo, itay, kuya, dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin ko at 'yong isa ay kay Pareng Tulume.
Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike wristband at knee caps na suot-suot din ninanay ay para sa mga anak mo, diko, na nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro lights at Winston red ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay.
Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua Fresh ang nakasiksik sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag mag-aagawan.
Isang dosenang Wonder bra (Victoria's Secret ata ang tatak)gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iskang society natin, suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya.Anim na lipstick lang ang kasya sa bra. Ang Ro lex na bilin-bilin mo tatay,suot-suot ni nanay. Nakatakip sa Nike na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay.
May isinisik akong zip-loc sa bunganga ni Inay na naglalaman ng $759 dollars. Hindina ako nakatakbo sa ATM. Puede na siguro sa libing iyon.
Iyong tong na makokolekta, i-time deposit niyo Kuya para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng ataul.Ang hikaw, singsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail cutters) nagustong-gusto mo, ditse, ay suot suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na rin agad, ditse. Ibigay mo ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.
Tanggalin niyo ang bulak sa ilong ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante sa bawat butas. Ibangon niyo lang si inay at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting alog lang siguro ng ulo.
Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo, tatay, kuya, ate, dikong, ditse. Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay nanay.
Pamimisahan ko na lang siya rito.
Balitaan ninyo na lang ako pagkatapos ng libing. Alam ni ate ang e-mail ko. Paki-double check ang lista kung walang nawala sa mga ipinadala ko.
Nagmamahal,
Bebeng
==================================
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 P.M., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left toleave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road.. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peas! ant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a
little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old
brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will ! I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
Most importantly.................. "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobody's watching."
=====================================================================
50 facts about PHILIPPINES
The Philippines is...
50. Where the most happening places are not where the party is, insteadit's where the gang wars happen, where women strip and where the people overthrow a president.
49. Where even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.
48. Where everyone has his personal ghost story and superstition
47. Where mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered holy places.
46. Where everything can be forged.
45. Where school is considered the second home and the mall considered the third.
44. Where Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.
43. Where every street has a basketball court and every town only has one public school.
42. Where all kinds of animals are edible.
41. Where people speak all kinds of languages, and still call it Tagalog and where it is fast becoming unfashionable to speak English/Spanish.
40. Where students pay more money than they will earn afterwards.
39. Where call-center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses, where doctors study to become nurses for employment abroad.
38. Where driving 4 kms can take as much as four hours.
37. Where flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.
36. Where the tourist spots are where Filipinos do not (or cannot) go.
35. Where the personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.
34. Where all 13-year-olds are alcoholic.
33. Where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!
32. Where 4 a.m. is not even considered bedtime yet.
31. Where people can pay to defy the law.
30. Where everything and everyone is spoofed.
29. Where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger (peke)!
28. Where the honking of car horns is a way of life.
27. Where being called a bum is never offensive.
26. Where floodwaters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.
25. Where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.
24. Where crossing the street involves running for your dear life.
23. Where wearing your national colors makes you baduy.
22. Where billiards is a sport, and darts is a bar game.
21. Where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones. (GSM-galing sa magnanakaw)
20. Where insurance does not work.
19. Where water can only be classified as tap and dirty - clean water is for sale 35 pesos per
gallon.
18. Where the church governs the people (owwss!!!) and where the government makes the people pray for miracles. (Amen to that!)
17. Where University of the Philippines is where all the weird people go. Ateneo is where all the nerds go. La Salle is where all the Chinese go. College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go, and University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.
16. Where fast food is a diet meal.
15. Where traffic signs are merely suggestions, not regulations.
14. Where all the trees in the city are below six feet.
13. Where being held up is normal. It happens to everyone.
12. Where kids dream of becoming pilots, doctors and basketball players.
11. Where rodents are normal house pets.
10. Where the definition of traffic is the "non-movement" of vehicles.
9. Where the fighter planes of the 1940s are used for military engagements, and the new fighter planes are displayed in museums.
8. Where Nora Aunor is an acclaimed actress and Boy Abunda is the best talk show host, where the population knows more their showbiz stars better than their national heroes and past presidents, knows more of showbiz gossips than their national history and current events.
7. Where cigarettes and alcohol are a necessity, and where the lottery is a commodity.
6. Where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.
5. Where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment.
4. Where finding a deer on the road will be a phenomenon.
3. Where people can get away with stealing trillions of pesos, but not for a thousand.
2. Where being an hour late is still considered punctual. (Grabe talaga 'to!)
1. Where the squatters have more to complain (even if they do not pay their tax) ---- than those employed and have their tax automatically deducted from their salaries.
0. Where everyone wants to leave the country!
=================================================================================
Real Girlfriends Talk
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything.
He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are.... even
if he has more education or in a better
job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...
compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
there is nothing cute about baggage...
deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...
look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,
and you're always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
(Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies.....
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices,
and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them
and an entire lifetime to forget them
===============================================================================
20 Gifts to Give
1. Mend a quarrel.
2. Seek out a forgotten friend.
3. Hug someone and tell him or her you love them.
4. Forgive and enemy.
5. Be gentle and patient with an angry person.
6. Express appreciation, and often!
7. Make a childs heart glad.
8. Find the time to keep a promise.
9. Make or bake something for someone else, anonymously.
10. Speak kindly to a stranger.
11. Enter into anothers sorrow.
12. Smile. Laugh a little. Laugh a little more.
13. Take a walk with a friend.
14. Kneel down and pet a dog.
15. Lessen your demands on others.
16. Apologize if you were wrong.
17. Turn off the television and talk.
18. Pray for someone who helped you when you hurt.
19. Give a soft answer even though you feel strongly.
20. Encourage an older person.
=============================================================
DON'T MESS WITH A FILIPINO...
In a New York sidewalk, a Filipino is enjoying a hearty breakfast “ coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc.
When an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation..
American: You Filipinos eat the whole bread?
American: ( Blowing bubbles with his gum) We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines .
American: Do ya eat jam with bread?
American: (Chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth) We don't. In the States, we eat fruit at breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and leftovers into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to the Philippines .
Filipino : Do you have sex in America ?
American: Of course, we do!
Filipino : What do you do with the condoms?
American: We throw them, of course!
Filipino : We don't. In the Philippines , we put them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gums and sell it to America .
===============================================================================
MGA BAGONG SALAWIKAIN NG MGA PILIPINO
-Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
-Better late than pregnant.
-Behind the clouds are the other clouds.
-It's better to cheat than to repeat!
-Do unto others ... then run!!!
-Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng ibang salop.
-Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na bagong gising.
-When all else fails, follow instructions.
-Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
-To err is human, to errs is humans.
-Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay kumakapit
-Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
-Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may utang.
-No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
-Birds of the same feather that prays together ... stays together.
-Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot, may nandukot.
-Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na tao.
-Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff neck.
-Birds of the same feather make a good feather duster.
-Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may taga, may tahi.
-Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa rin.
-Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa appointment
-Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
-Better late than later.
-Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa paligid puno ng linga.
-Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
-No man is an island because time is gold.
-Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta lang yan.
-Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang lupa!
-When it rains ... it floods.
-Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ... mauubusan din ng kandila.
-Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa ibabaw, minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
-Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
-Try and try until you succeed... or else try another.
-Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet ako eh.
-Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga mo ay itik.
-Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na ng bago.
-If you can't beat them, shoot them. (Nalundasan)
-An apple a day is too expensive.
-An apple a day makes seven apples a week. (really expensive)
==================================================================
FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT
Nury Vittachi - THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW
This week, we shall take a "reading tour" of one of the most spirited
communities in Asia . The Philippines is full of word play. The local
accent among many Filipinos, in which English words with "F" are spelled
and pronounced with the sound of "P" and V is pronounced as "B" (because
the Philippine alphabet has no letters F or V), is often used very
cleverly, such as, the sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal
Attraction.
Much of the word play in the Philippines is deliberate with retailers and
various businesses favouring a play on names of Western establishments and
celebrities (Americans, in particular-- -movie stars and entertainment
personalities, especially). For example, there is a bread shop in Manila
called Anita Bakery, a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day and Night, a
garment shop called Elizabeth Tailoring, and a barber shop called Felix The
Cut.
Reader Robert Harland also spotted a bakery named Bread Pitt, and a Makati
fast-food place selling "maruya" (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey.
Then, there are Christopher Plumbing, and a boutique called The Way We Wear
; a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental; a restaurant in the
Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken, a local burger
restaurant called Mang Donald's, a doughnut shop called MacDonuts, a shop
selling "lumpia" (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll, and two butcher
shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
Smart travellers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to
unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the "Taglish" (the
Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy
Filipino accent), such as, at a restaurant menu in Cebu : "We hab sopdrink
in can an in batol" [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in
bottle]. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces].
There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words, but
they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to "correct"
them. A reader named Antonio "Tonyboy" Ramon T. Ongsiako, (now there's a
truly Filipino name), contributed the following interesting Philippine
signs and advertisements:
In a restaurant in Baguio City (the "summer capital" of the Philippines ):
"Wanted: Boy Waitress"; on a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique
Furniture;" on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : "We Shoot
You While You Wait;" and on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in
Manila : "Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier."
Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression, such as, a shoe store
in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: "We Sell Imported Robber Shoes"
(these could be the "sneakiest" sneakers); and a rental property sign in
Jaro, Iloilo reads: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced" (it must really be hot inside)!
Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique--if not
altogether odd. Reader Gunilla Edlund submitted a sign that she saw at the
ticket booth in the ferry pier in Davao City in southern Philippines ,
which said: "Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to
negotiation. "
European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops
selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia,
which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and
Mr. Po respectively- -(believe it or not)!
According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in
the Philippines because ". . .we are a country where a good sense of humour
is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the
government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians
and retiring actors.
======================================================
I Love this DOCTOR!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your carby driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandyis distilled wine , that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beeris also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening... .Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! ! HELLO
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my l ifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
======================================================================
Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.
Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?!
Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay!
Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit.
Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin
kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado.
Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado.
'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel.
'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado.
'Parang hindi totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel. 'O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa
langit?'
Sagot ni Dado, 'May maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo. Ang maganda, may
basketbol.
Ang masama... kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!'
Different prayers of single women...
At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN.
At Age 18 : Lord, give me a cute MAN.
At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN.
At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN.
At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN.
At Age 50 : Lord, give me sinoMAN.
At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN.
At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN.
At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang.
Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti pa,
umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro,
sumama na ako sa 'yo!
Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa...
ADVANTAGE: 'Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad.
DISADVANTAGE: 'Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin!
What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
Do you know INNER ROW?
What is INNER ROW?
Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow,
Marsow, Abril, Mayow...
Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your report card.
Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong
mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Baligtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!
Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may
katalik na lalaki sa kama .
Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?!
Mister: Sino 'yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN!
Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!
=====================================================================
Idiots on the computer
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
================================================
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them
on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef
is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop
can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means
they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food
and diets.
AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
=========================================
Job interview:
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis
niyo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit niyo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
=========================================
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy ang misis ko, kaya gusto
niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng sampung kilo 'yung kabayo!
===========================================
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
===============================================
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko:
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper #1: Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
==================================================
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.
===================================
3 tanga nagsisiksikan sa maliit na **kama**:*
TANGA1: Pare, di tayo kasya. Bawas tayo ng isa, sa
lapag na lang matulog.
(Bumaba si Tanga 1.)
TANGA2: Ayan, pare maluwag na, akyat ka na dito.
====================================================
Dear Dodong,
Sa susunod anak, Nido non-fat na lang ang ipadala mo
sa tatang mo. Nasisira kasi ang tiyan niya sa pinadala mong
Nivea Moisturing Milk...
Nagmamahal - Nanay
======================================================
ANAK: 'Tay , penge ng pera. May project kami. Bibili ako
ng "cocomban".
TATAY: Ano ka ba naman. Hangga ngayon "cocomban" pa
rin ang tawag mo!
ANAK: Ano po ba ang tama?
TATAY: Bomb paper!
=======================================================
MISIS: Dear, iligaw mo nga tong pusa. Nakasako na.
Dalhin mo sa malayo!
MISTER: Ok!
MISIS: Bakit ka ginabi? Niligaw mo ba ang pusa?
MISTER: Bwisit na pusang yan! Kundi ko siya sinundan, di
ako nakauwi! ************ ********* ********
PEDRO: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ako ng hearing
aid. Grabe ang linaw ngayon nang pandinig ko!
JUAN: Wow, galing! Magkanong bili mo sa hearing aid?
PEDRO: Kahapon lang!
=======================================================================
At a funeral...
ERAP: Tara na, Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin mo o:
"REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."
=================================================
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa supot ng 3-in-1
coffee. Kanina ka pa silip nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal. Nakasulat
kasi sa karton "SUGAR FREE
========================================================================
Acknowledgement
Top 15 Amazing Coincidences
Life is full of coincidences; some very minor, but occasionally - extraordinary. This is a list of 15 of the most incredible, unbelievable coincidences.
15. Childhood Book
While American novelist Anne Parrish was browsing bookstores in Paris in the 1920s, she came upon a book that was one of her childhood favorites - Jack Frost and Other Stories. She picked up the old book and showed it to her husband, telling him of the book she fondly remembered as a child. Her husband took the book, opened it, and on the flyleaf found the inscription: "Anne Parrish, 209 N. Weber Street, Colorado Springs." It was Anne's very own book.
14. Poker Luck
In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot dead, an act of vengeance by those with whom he was playing poker. Fallon, they claimed, had won the $600 pot through cheating. With Fallon's seat empty and none of the other players willing to take the now unlucky $600, they found a new player to take Fallon's place and staked him with the dead man's $600. By the time the police had arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had turned the $600 into $2,200 in winnings. The police demanded the original $600 to pass on to Fallon's next of kin - only to discover that the new player turned out to be Fallon's son, who had not seen his father in seven years!
13. Twin Deaths
In 2002, Seventy-year- old twin brothers died within hours of one another after separate accidents on the same road in northern Finland. The first of the twins died when he was hit by a lorry while riding his bike in Raahe, 600 kilometres north of the capital, Helsinki. He died just 1.5km from the spot where his brother was killed. "This is simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy one, accidents don't occur every day," police officer Marja-Leena Huhtala told Reuters. "It made my hair stand on end when I heard the two were brothers, and identical twins at that. It came to mind that perhaps someone from upstairs had a say in this," she said.
12. Poe Coincidence
In the 19th century, the famous horror writer, Egdar Allan Poe, wrote a book called 'The narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym'. It was about four survivors of a shipwreck who were in an open boat for many days before they decided to kill and eat the cabin boy whose name was Richard Parker. Some years later, in 1884, the yawl, Mignonette, foundered, with only four survivors, who were in an open boat for many days. Eventually the three senior members of the crew killed and ate the cabin boy. The name of the cabin boy was Richard Parker.
11. Royal Coincidence
In Monza, Italy, King Umberto I, went to a small restaurant for dinner, accompanied by his aide-de-camp, General Emilio Ponzia- Vaglia. When the owner took King Umberto's order, the King noticed that he and the restaurant owner were virtual doubles, in face and in build. Both men began discussing the striking resemblance between each other and found many more similarities.
1. Both men were born on the same day, of the same year, (March 14th, 1844).
2. Both men had been born in the same town.
3. Both men married a woman with same name, Margherita.
4. The restaurateur opened his restaurant on the same day that King Umberto was crowned King of Italy.
5. On the 29th July 1900, King Umberto was informed that the restaurateur had died that day in a mysterious shooting accident, and as he expressed his regret, an anarchist in the crowd then assassinated him.
10. Falling Baby
In 1930s Detroit, a man named Joseph Figlock was to become an amazing figure in a young (and, apparently, incredibly careless) mother's life. As Figlock was walking down the street, the mother's baby fell from a high window onto Figlock. The baby's fall was broken and Figlock and the baby were unharmed. A year later, the selfsame baby fell from the selfsame window, again falling onto Mr. Figlock as he was passing beneath. Once again, both of them survived the event.
9. Mystery Monk
In 19th century Austria, a near-famous painter named Joseph Aigner attempted suicide on several occasions. During his first attempt to hang himself at the age of 18, a mysterious Capuchin monk interrupted Aigner. And again at age 22, the very same monk prevented him from hanging himself. Eight years later, he was sentenced to the gallows for his political activities. But again, his life was saved by the intervention of the same monk. At age 68, Joseph Aigner finally succeeded in suicide, using a pistol to shoot himself. Not surprisingly, the very same Capuchin monk - a man whose name Aigner never even knew, conducted his funeral ceremony.
8. Photographic Coincidence
A German mother who photographed her infant son in 1914 left the film to be developed at a store in Strasbourg. In those days some film plates were sold individually. World War I broke out and unable to return to Strasbourg, the woman gave up the picture for lost. Two years later she bought a film plate in Frankfurt, over 100 miles away, to take a picture of her newborn daughter. When developed the film turned out to be a double exposure, with the picture of her daughter superimposed on the earlier picture of her son. Through some incredible twist of fate, her original film, never developed, had been mislabeled as unused, and had eventually been resold to her.
7. Book Find
In 1973, actor Anthony Hopkins agreed to appear in "The Girl From Petrovka", based on a novel by George Feifer. Unable to find a copy of the book anywhere in London, Hopkins was surprised to discover one lying on a bench in a train station. It turned out to be George Feifer's own annotated (personal) copy, which Feifer had lent to a friend, and which had been stolen from his friend's car.
6. Twins
The twin brothers, Jim Lewis and Jim Springer, were separated at birth, adopted by different families. Unknown to each other, both families named the boys James. Both James grew up not knowing of the other, yet both sought law-enforcement training both had abilities in mechanical drawing and carpentry, and each had married women named Linda. Both had sons, one of who was named James Alan and the other named James Allan. The twin brothers also divorced their wives and married other women - both named Betty. And they both owned dogs which they named Toy.
5. Revenge Killing
In 1883, Henry Ziegland broke off a relationship with his girlfriend who, out of distress, committed suicide. The girl's enraged brother hunted down Ziegland and shot him. Believing he had killed Ziegland, the brother then took his own life. In fact, however, Ziegland had not been killed. The bullet had only grazed his face, lodging into a tree. It was a narrow escape. Years later, Ziegland decided to cut down the same tree, which still had the bullet in it. The huge tree seemed so formidable that he decided to blow it up with dynamite. The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland's head, killing him.
4. Golden Scarab
From The Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche: "A young woman I was treating had, at a critical moment, a dream in which she was given a golden scarab. While she was telling me this dream I sat with my back to the closed window. Suddenly I heard a noise behind me, like a gentle tapping. I turned round and saw a flying insect knocking against the windowpane from outside. I opened the window and caught the creature in the air as it flew in. It was the nearest analogy to the golden scarab that one finds in our latitudes, a scarabaeid beetle, the common rose-chafer (Cetonia aurata) which contrary to its usual habits had evidently felt an urge to get into a dark room at this particular moment. I must admit that nothing like it ever happened to me before or since, and that the dream of the patient has remained unique in my experience." - Carl Jung
3. Taxi
In 1975, while riding a moped in Bermuda, a man was accidentally struck and killed by a taxi. One year later, this man's brother was killed in the very same way. In fact, he was riding the very same moped. And to stretch the odds even further, the very same taxi driven by the same driver - and even carrying the very same passenger struck him!
2. Hotel Discovery
In 1953, television reporter Irv Kupcinet was in London to cover the coronation of Ellizabeth II. In one of the drawers in his room at the Savoy he found some items that, by their identification, belonged to a man named Harry Hannin. Coincidentally, Harry Hannin - a basketball star with the famed Harlem Globetrotters - was a good friend of Kupcinet's. But the story has yet another twist. Just two days later, and before he could tell Hannin of his lucky discovery, Kupcinet received a letter from Hannin. In the letter, Hannin told Kucinet that while staying at the Hotel Meurice in Paris, he found in a drawer a tie - with Kupcinet's name on it.
1. Historical Coincidence
The lives of Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, two of America's founders. Jefferson crafted the Declaration of Independence, showing drafts of it to Adams, who (with Benjamin Franklin) helped to edit and hone it. The Continental Congress approved the document on July 4, 1776. Surprisingly, both Jefferson and Adams died on the same day, July 4, 1826 - exactly 50 years from the signing of the Declaration of Independence
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JOKE TIME!
Sulat ng isang anak, sa Daddy niya na OFW:
Dear Dad,
Thanks sa padala mo. Happy si Nene kasi tobleron baon nya sa skul. Yung nike suot na ni Junior. Next time, huwag ka na magpadala ng NIVEA MILK, di nila type kasi mapait daw... ako tuloy ang umubos.
Three Feelings:
What is the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when your wife is pregnant,
Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Erap dreamed that he died and went to heaven. St. Peter gave him Ai-ai delas Alas as partner, saying, 'Kung mabait ka sana , mas maganda ang partner mo.' Erap saw Chavit with Gretchen Barretto and said, 'Bakit si Chavit, mas madaming kasalanan, si Gretchen ang partner?' St. Peter: Iho, parusa yan kay Gretchen.
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang bahala sa lahat-lahat. .. I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa TULI!
Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: 'Execute all 3 copies together with your wife...'
BF: May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo muna!
GF: Sige, clue naman...
BF: Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.
GF: Kwintas?
BF: Hindi... PANGHILOD!
JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?
ERAP: ? (di nagsasalita)
JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
Sa morgue...
Pedro: Boss, noong nilinis ko 'yung bangkay ng babae, napansin ko, may hipon yung ari niya!
Amo: Patingin nga... Tanga! Hindi hipon 'yan! Clit 'yan!
Pedro: Ganoon ba? Eh kasi, lasang hipon!
Usapan ng tatlong lalaki...
Tulume: Ang tanga ng misis ko. Bumili ng answering machine, wala naman kaming telepono.
Juan: Mas tanga ang misis ko. Bumili ng scanner, wala naman kaming computer.
Kulas: Pinakatanga ang misis ko. Lagi siyang may condom sa bag, wala naman siyang bird.
Almost all the jokes on this website are from friends/several sources. Most of these sources are resources located on the internet. For using these sources (texts), no explicit permission was requested from the authors concerned.
I would like to thank all those who have made this website at least amusing to read and to laugh a day |
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