ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Nanay mo, Suffer yon!!

What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine?
It wooden start!!! 

Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa. 

Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh. 

Anak : Tays! Kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S'
sa mga sinasabi mo. Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA ! 

Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng Boy Friend mo? 
Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
Girl 1 : Sinong may ayaw, tatay O nanay niya?
Girl 2 : Yung misis niya !

A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a drink.
When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says,"Whoever can use the words 
'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence, can have me for tonight."
The White guy says:! "I love liver and cheese."
She says: "That's not good enough."
The Black man says: "I hate liver and cheese."
She says: "That's not creative."
Finally, the Filipino says: "Live..r alone, cheese mine!" 

What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the 
Philippines?
In US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to the US. 

Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!> Eh, pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!! 

Lulubog na ang barko... 
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose... 
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara..
INTSIK: Lubok na balko! Tawak pa kayo pasahelo
====================================================================
>From THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW)
>
>By Nury Vittachi

>THERE'S A SIGN ON Congressional Avenue in Manila that says: "Parking for 
Costumers Only." This may be a misspelling of "customer." But the Philippine 
capital is so full of theatrical, brightly dressed individuals that I prefer 
to think it may actually mean what it says.


>This week, we'll take a reading tour of one of the most spirited communities 
in Asia. The Philippines is full of wordplay. The local accent, in which F and P 
are fairly interchangeable, is often used very cleverly, such as at the flower 
shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.
>
>Much of the wordplay in the Philippines is deliberate, with retailers favouring 
witty names, often based on Western celebrities and movies.  Reader Elgar Esteban 
found a bread shop called Anita Bakery, a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day and 
Night, a garment shop called Elizabeth
>Tailoring and a hairdresser called Felix The Cut.
>
Smart travellers can decipher initially baffling signs by simply trying out a Taglish 
(Tagalog-English) accent, such as that used on a sign at a restaurant in Cebu: "We Hab 
Sop-Drink In Can An In Batol." A sewing accessories shop called Beads And Pieces also 
makes use of the local accent.
>
>Of course, there are also many signs with oddly chosen words, but they are usually 
so entertaining that it would be a tragedy to "correct" them. A reader named Antonio 
"Tonyboy" Ramon T. Ongsiako (now there's a truly Filipino name) found the following:
>
>In a restaurant in Baguio: "Wanted: Boy Waitress;" on a highway in Pampanga: "We 
Make Modern Antique Furniture;" on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan: 
"We Shoot You While You Wait;" on the glass wall of an eatery in Panay Avenue in 
Manila: "Wanted: Waiter,
>Cashier, Washier", A carenderia in Vito Cruz "Putahe ng Ina mo" and a competitor 
across the street says "Putahe ng Ina mo rin".
>
>Some of the notices one sees are thought-provoking. A shoe store in Pangasinan 
has a sign saying: "We Sell Imported Robber Shoes." Could these be the sneakiest 
sort of sneakers? On a house in Jaro, Iloilo, one finds a sign saying: "House For 
Rent, Fully Furnaced."  Tonyboy
>commented, "Boy, it must be hot in there."
>
>Occasionally, the signs are quite poignant. Reader Gunilla Edlund saw one at a 
ferry pier outside Davao, southern Philippines, which said:  "Adults: 1USD; Child: 
50 cents; Cadavers: subject to negotiation."
>
>But most are purely witty, and display a love of Americana. Reader Robert Harland 
spotted a bakery named Bread Pitt, a Makati fast-food place selling maruya (banana fritters) 
called Maruya Carey, a water-engineering firm called Christopher Plumbi ng, a boutique called 
The Way We Wear, a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental, a restaurant in the 
Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken, a local burger restaurant called 
Mang Donald's, a doughnut shop called MacDonuts, a shop selling lumpia (meat parcels) in Makati
>called Wrap and Roll, and two butchers called Meating Place and Meatropolis.
>
>Tourists from Europe may be intrigued to discover shops called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia. 
Both sell a type of Chinese pastry called hopia. What's the story? The names are explained thus: 
Holland Hopia is the domain of a man named Ho and Poland Hopia is run by a man named Po.
>
>People in the Philippines also redesign English to be more efficient.  "The creative confusion 
between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, 
but in the adoption of new words," says reader Rob Goodfellow. He came across a sign that said
>"House Fersallarend." Why use five words (house for sale or rent) when two will do?
>
>Tonyboy Ongsiako explains why there was so much wit in the Philippines. "We come from a country 
where you require a sense of humour to survive," he says. "We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of
>politicians and bad actors.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
TANONG AT SAGOT

Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang mamamatay na siya?
A: I'm daing!

Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya as gitna?
A: I'm tuna

Q: Ano ang tawag kapag sinuot MO ang kanang sapatos sa kaliwang paa at ang Kaliwang sapatos sa kanang paa?
A: Malicious

Q: Sino ang unang arkitekto?
A: Si Eba, kasi siya ang unang nagpatayo.

Q: Sino ang unang estudyante?
A: Si Adan, kasi siya ang unang pumasok.

Q: Bakit mas matataba ang mga may asawang lalaki kaysa sa mga walang asawang Lalaki?
A: Kasi ang mga walang asawang lalaki, pag-uwi, titingnan ang laman ng ref Niya at kapag walang nakita, humihiga na lang sa kama para matulog. Ang may Asawa, pag-uwi, titingnan ang kama at makikita ang misis nila, pumupunta na Lang sa kusina para buksan ang ref nila.

Q: Ano ang pinagkaiba ng lalaking tumataya sa lotto at ang lalaking nakikipag-away sa misis niya.
A: Mas malaki ang tsansa ng lalaking manalo sa lotto kaysa sa pakikipag-away sa misis niya.

Q: What's the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey?
A: A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear, a monkey is you my dear

Q: What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden wheel and a wooden engine?
A: It wooden start.

Something to reckon while you're in a deep thought while in the toilet pissing.....

Different sounds of WOMEN's urine:
Single: I wisssshh.
Widowed: I misssss.
Old Maid: Pliiissss.
Married: alwyssss.

Sperm and Mayonnaise have a lot in common:
First, both are spreadable,
2nd, both are rich in protein,
3rd, both came from eggs
At syempre :
BOTH ARE LADIES CHOICE !!!

Man: Why did u make a woman beautiful?
God: So you will love her.
Man: But why did u make her stupid?
God: So she will love you.

3 ladies in OB-GYNE Waiting Rm....
Lady 1: I'm sure I'll have a baby boy coz I was on top!
Lady 2: Mine is a girl coz we did it sideways.
Lady 3: (crying) I hope mine is not a dog!

Wrong Office
A woman walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. 
 
"You made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "the gynecologist's office is one level higher." 
 
To that the woman replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

Manok: ilang araw na lang, Pasko na, iihawin na ako.
Baboy: ako rin, malapit narin akong kakatayin! Nanay ko Po.
Manok: Mabuti pa itong unggoy na 'to, pabasa basa na lang ng email !

Good day!
===============================================================================
Kung mayaman 

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy" 
Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang" 

Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress" 
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo" 

Kung mayaman ka, "pneumonia" daw ang sakit mo 
Kung mahirap, "TB" yon

Sa mayaman, "hyperacidity" 
Kapag mahirap, "ulcer" dahil walang laman ang tiyan

Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay", ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac" 
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"

Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric" 
Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad" 

Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine" 
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom" Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic" 
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba" 
Kung ang senorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "sun tanned" 
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga" 

Kung nasa high society ka at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite" 
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot"

Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump"
Kapag mahirap ka, ika'y "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba"...pagminamalas ka, 
"baboy"

Kapag mayaman, "fasting" ang hindi kumain 
Kung mahirap, "nagtitiis" 

Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay
"socialite" 
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "pakawala" o "pok-pok" 

Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated"
Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo "malandi"

Kapag mayaman, "misguided" o "spoiled" ka 
Kung mahirap ka, "addict" o "durugista"

Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo "single parent" 
Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada"

Kapag mayaman at sexy, "fashionable" daw 
Kung mahirap, sigurado "GRO" o "japayuki" ka

Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain, "vegetarian"
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na " kumakain ng damo." 

Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro 
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sa
kanila ay "bastos!" 

Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood" 
Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang" 

Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner"
Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong" 

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says, 
"masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking" 
Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host
will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" 

Kung graduate ka ng exclusive school at sa ibang bansa ka nagtatrabaho, ang
tawag sa iyo "expat" 
Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "contract worker"

Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa office mo, "okay lang" 
Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na empleyado lamang, ikaw ay" nagbubulakbol"...
kaya forward mo na agad ito dahil nasa likod mo ang boss mo!
========================================================================
Password Problem  
Bhola calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with his password. 

No, it's not the unsual caps-lock problem.   
"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," he says.  
"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, 
"so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."   
"Yeah," he says, 
"but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
==============================================================================