You might have seen some of these before, but  they're worth reading again.  Enjoy!
 
  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. ;

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.
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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support 
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                          Filipino Excuse Letters

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected
by schools from all over the country. 
 
My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today.  Please execute him
>> hala! Sige. Silya  elektrika at bitay. Sabay pa! O kaya ninyo yun? 
 
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. -
>>pag nag-absent pala papatayin ka...siyet! Baka may  rabies... 
   
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 
>> Ahh grabe to. Nasa  kalindaryo pa ang birthday ko kung ganon. Hahaha! 
 
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating
>> ano daw????
 
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of
a tree and misplaced his hip.
>> hanapin natin! 
   
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.  -
>>Bwehehehe... la ako masabi... Bwahahaha! Ganito kasi yan. Kinagat siya ni
Lola sa noo sa gigil.
Tapos nabali yung  ngipin ng pustiso niya. Hahaha!!! 
   
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins
>> Buti pa veins niya. Close sila. Hahahaha!!! 
 
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.  -
>> ah.....eh....i.....ow....u....
 
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)
(dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()s  were crossed out.]
>>Sinabi na kasi LBM na lang e. Pasosyal pa kasi.

George was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
>> So transexual  pala si Irving?
 
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
dont know what size she wear.
 
Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her Funeral
>>- Ala e! Mabuhay ang Patay!! Mayroong Himala!!! 
 
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.
>>- stud service ba yung school nya? baka gremlins siya. 
 
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
>> Ay grabe! Iba na talaga ang mga kabataan ngayon. Hahaha! 
   
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat,  headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt
the  best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going
around,  her father even got hot last night
>>hahaha, telenovela... bow. Makuwento siya ha... Kulang lang sa pansin...
 
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it  was Sunday.
>>'tangna!winner!!!!!!!!!! Ang galing!!!! Puwede rin kaya sa  office ito? 
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